


Darling Heart, I Loved You From The Start

by gallowdance



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Comfort, F/F, First Time, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Missing Scene, Older Woman/Younger Woman, Past Abuse, S1:Ep7, Taking Things Slow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallowdance/pseuds/gallowdance
Summary: Mildred is insecure when it comes to her lack of experience with women.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 65
Kudos: 418





	Darling Heart, I Loved You From The Start

**Author's Note:**

> Set directly after the kiss in episode 7. I wish they’d carried on the scene, so here I am filling in the gaps.

Mildred’s first kiss with Gwendolyn caught her by surprise. Not the act itself, it was clear where their encounter was leading. Even with Gwendolyn’s accusations and distrust, there was no denying the connection between them. It had been a slow burning feeling, ever since they’d eaten those oysters together. A simmering sensation within Mildred which she could not deny; no matter how hard she tried to. And try she did, not wanting accept the idea that she was one of those women who enjoyed the company of other women.

Back then the mere idea was catastrophic. She’d seen what happened to women like that, thought it was nothing more than a mental disorder that needed to be treated. It frightened her, that if anyone were to discover her hidden desires, that she would end up locked up in a hospital. Enduring scalding hot baths, or even worse a lobotomy to cure her of her immoral inclination. She’d pushed her true feelings so deep within herself, she’d managed to convince herself that she to loathed those sort of women. Forcing herself to sleep with the hitman at the hotel, just so she could tell herself that she was a normal woman with normal needs. Even after he humiliated her, at least he was a man. She made sure it was rough, and fast, anything to send away the images of auburn hair and soft hands.

Now that she had come to terms with what she wanted, accepted it and let go; she felt foolish for ever trying to lie to herself in the first place. Gwendolyn is gentle, her hands are just as soft as she’d imagined and she was real. Mildred felt fresh tears form behind her closed eyes as the kiss turned from heated, to tentative and exploring, as if Gwendolyn took into account that this was her first kiss with a woman. The urgency she’d felt from the initial meeting of their lips evaporated into what Mildred could only guess was loving.

One of the hands on her cheek dropped down to her waist and she moaned. The only hands she’d ever felt on her had been callous and hard. But this touch was neither; it wasn’t forceful, it was considerate.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Gwendolyn’s sweet voice asked, after pulling away for breath. Mildred blinked away stray tears, only for the older woman to wipe them away from her cheeks with her other hand. “Are you okay, is _this_ still okay?” She asked, once again proving that she did not see Mildred as an object to be ravished. That she saw her as a person, that she cared about her.

Mildred nodded before speaking. “This is more than okay.” She said, with a small smile as she sniffed away the last of her tears. “I just can’t believe how lucky I am.”

Gwendolyn smiled at that, her blue eyes boring into her fondly, “I love you, so much.” She said honestly, which only made Mildred’s smile widen. They’d already said it before the kiss, but she could never get tired of hearing those words.

“I love you too.” Mildred whispered, then let her forhead rest against Gwendolyn’s. “I’m sorry for everything that I put you through. I want to make things right, I want to show you how much you mean to me.”

Gwendolyn hummed in response, and they stood there like that for the longest time. It was calm and serene, as if they had all the time in the world together. Mildred tried to push away any thought of Gwendolyn’s condition, and instead focused on the sound of her breathing.

Until Gwendolyn’s voice broke the serenity, “tell me what’s making you anxious.” It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t an order either. She was merely telling Mildred that she sensed something was bothering her. And Mildred knew if she said she didn’t want to talk about it, then Gwendolyn wouldn’t press the subject. After everything she’d already done though, she owed her the truth, from now on and every day they spent together. Lying is what Mildred did best, it was easier to lie her way though difficult situations. Now she had to be brave, had to face things head on.

“It’s just...” she started to say, then faltered. Her brows knitted together as she tried to formulate a sentence in her head. The last thing she wanted was to come across as foolish. But everything she came up with, sounded ridiculous. It was embarrassing really, that a woman in her late thirties couldn’t answer a simple question.

She felt Gwendolyn pull back, and panicked. The last thing she wanted was to scare her off again. So her hands dropped from her shoulders and around her waist. “It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere, darling girl.” Gwendolyn reassured and Mildred was thankful of her perception. “You can tell me anything. I want things to be transparent between us from now on, no more secrets.”

Mildred nodded again, then bit her bottom lip. After another minute, she finally decided what to say. “I’ve n-never, _well_ you know...been with w-ith a woman and I don’t want my inexperience to ruin things. I really want to please you, make you happy. I’m worried that I’ll be a disappointment.” Her eyes focused on the wall behind Gwendolyn. She felt her cheeks go warm. As humiliating as that was to admit, she felt a weight off of her shoulders at least.

Gwendolyn gasped, her hands were suddenly on Mildred’s cheeks again, forcing her to look at her. “You could never be a disappointment.” She insisted earnestly, Mildred scoffed, witch only made Gwendolyn more persistent. “Mildred I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you. And I’m not just talking about sex, in fact _that_ aspect of our relationship is probably the least important to me. I want to know you, all of you. From your favourite colour, to your favourite season. I want to find out if your ticklish, what foods you dislike, I...guess what I’m trying to say is...there’s more to this than sex. And if that’s been worrying you, then stop it right now. We can take things slowly.”

Mildred doesn’t know what to say, no one had ever shown an interest in her before. Nothing past sexual gratification that was. From her time as a child abused by foster parents, to the leering looks of men ever since.

This was a foreign feeling, one that rendered her a crying mess, again. “Ever since my childhood, since _that thing_ happened to me and Edmund, I’ve not...I’m just not very good at...” She sighed and tried to gather herself somewhat. “I’m just not very good at being with another person like that. I...I get frightened.” Speaking the truth out loud about her insecurities was almost as difficult as when she’d told Gwendolyn about the abuse itself.

“And that’s why I said we can take things slow. It doesn’t matter to me, the physical side of things. I’d quite happily just sit across a table from you while you ate oysters and drank wine with me.” Gwendolyn said, while wiping away more tears from Mildred’s face. “You just take the lead, I’ll follow. Like this, for example, do you mind me holding you?”

“No, I enjoy being held by you.” Mildred said quickly incase she let go. “A-and I like kissing you.” She added quietly.

Gwendolyn smirked, though not in a patronising way. The thumb of her right hand draw idle circles over her skin. “Well I like kissing you, very much actually.” Blue eyes glanced at the sofa near them, Mildred’s brown ones followed suit. Then quirked a brow at Gwendolyn. Feeling brave, she curled her fingers around the other woman’s wrists, guiding them away from her face, then took a step backwards. Effectively pulling Gwendolyn with her towards the piece of furniture.

Once she felt her calves hit the side, she managed to turn them around, “sit down.”

Gwendolyn looked worried for a second, “I told you, we can take things slowly.”

“That’s what I’m doing. Now please, sit.” Mildred urged, smiling when Gwendolyn did as she asked. Mildred wasted no time, before straddling her legs. Quite pleased with her choice of a flowing skirt that day, her hands came to rest on Gwendolyn’s shoulders. “Kiss me.” She requested firmly.

Warm hands wrapped around the base of her back, and she took initiative, dipping her head down to meet Gwendolyn’s lips with her own in a passionate kiss.

They continued like that, just kissing on the couch like a couple of teenagers. Mildred enjoyed the feeling of friction caused by their clothing between her legs. Occasionally she ground her hips down, moaning at the sensation. She knew it wasn’t sex, not really, but it was a start. Though she worried that Gwendolyn would find it unappealing, having her rub herself against her clothed body like a rutting animal. So she stilled her hips and focused on kissing her instead.

“No, keep doing that.” Gwendolyn gasped in between kisses. She raised herself up a little, to give Mildred a little encouragement. She groaned at the feeling, then began rolling her hips again, and again. “Do you feel good?” The woman beneath her asked against her lips.

Mildred hummed, her eyes closing tightly as everything around her faded away, apart from the throbbing between her legs. Pulling her head back, she dropped her head onto Gwendolyn’s’s shoulder as the movements of her hips started to become more frantic. She realised she was panting, when Gwendolyn began whispering sweet nothings to her. Words like, “so beautiful,” and, “no one will hurt you again,” “keep going.”

Until a burst of colour punctured through the darkness behind her eyelids and Mildred gasped loudly, as she came in her underwear against Gwendolyn. Her body spasmed through the aftershock, until she slumped her weight fully onto the other woman, still breathing heavily.

It was only when she felt Gwendolyn shift beneath her, Mildred realised she must be uncomfortable, so started to move, though form hands stilled her. “Don’t, not yet. Let’s just stay like this for a little while.” Mildred wanted to protest that it wasn’t practical. “Please, darling.” Hearing those two words silenced her, and she sagged against Gwendolyn.

“I’ve never felt like that before.” Mildred mumbled into the hollow of Gwendolyn’s neck.

“Never?” She echoed back, “not even by yourself?”

Mildred shook her head, “never.” She said meekly.

She felt a chaste kiss on the top of her head. “Well get used to it.”

Mildred smiled, snuggling into Gwendolyn’s body. “If you want me to reciprocate, properly...you’ll can show me wha-

“Shh, not now. We have plenty of time for that. This was about you, what you felt ready to do.” Gwendolyn interrupted, Mildred left it at that. She wanted to experience everything with the woman holding her, but knew it would take time.

“Gwen?”

“Hmm?”

“My favourite colour is emerald, my favourite season is Spring, although I also like Autumn because I like the way the dead leaves crunch under my heels when I walk. I dislike ice cream, especially fudge sundaes and I’m not particularly ticklish.”

Gwendolyn held her tighter. “I think we’ll have to put that last one to the test.”


End file.
